ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR...
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX.
SHAKE IT, DUDE.
[ ?????? ]
Emmett: MMM, PRIDE WEEKEND!
CAN YOU FEEL IT, BABY? THE DANCING...
Ted: THE PARADE... THE FUCKING.
AH. OH, CAN'T WAIT.
YOU SURE YOU'RE UP FOR IT?
HE'S UP FOR IT.
IT'S MY FIRST PRIDE. CAREFUL.
PRIDE IS A SIN.
THEN I'M GOING TO HELL.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Emmett: DON'T EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT.
Ted: [ Chuckling ] WHO DID THIS?
SOME DEMENTED QUEEN...
Justin: OH MY GOD.
WITH NO TASTE. NICE JOB, MA.
GLAD YOU LIKE IT.
OKAY, CAN WE HURRY UP AND EAT, PLEASE?
I'VE GOT APPOINT- MENTS ALL DAY.
YOU'VE GOT APPOINTMENTS?
IT'S PRIDE, HONEY.
FACIAL AT 9:00, PEDICURE AT 10:00,
BIKINI WAX...
AT 11:00. [ Shudder ]
OH, THEN I'VE GOT TO TAKE GODIVA HER DRESS.
SHE'S MARCHING?
NO, I'M PUSHING.
I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO ACCESSO- RIZE A WHEELCHAIR.
WHO'S GODIVA?
"WHO'S GODIVA?"
DON'T THEY TEACH YOU FUCKING KIDS ANYTHING?
TIME FOR GAY HISTORY 101.
LET ME TELL YOU,
GODIVA IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST DRAG QUEEN.
AT LEAST PITTSBURGH'S.
[ Chuckle ] Emmett: I HAD, UH...
I'D JUST MOVED HERE FROM MISSISSIPPI;
DIDN'T KNOW A SOUL.
SOMEHOW,
I FOUND MY WAY TO WOODY'S.
I WAS STANDING THERE, SHE COMES UP TO ME,
AND, UH, AND SAYS, "YOU ALL ALONE,
SUGAR?"
I STOOD THERE WITH MY MOUTH HANGING OPEN.
WELL, THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED MUCH.
Ted: OUCH.
"WELL, NOT ANYMORE," SHE SAID.
"NOW YOU'VE GOT GODIVA, JUST LIKE THE CHOCOLATE:
DARK AND SWEET!"
SHE INTRODUCED ME TO EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING...
INCLUDING MY FIRST PRIDE.
I'M... AFRAID THIS MAY BE HER LAST.
IF YOU ASK ME, PEOPLE MAKE TOO MUCH OF THIS PRIDE BUSINESS.
AS IF YOU'D EVEN KNOW,
CONSIDERING YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO ONE.
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN?
POOR MIKEY'S AFRAID
HE'LL END UP AS THE TOKEN PRIDE CLIP ON THE 6:00 O'CLOCK NEWS.
WELL, I DON'T EXACTLY SEE YOU OUT THERE
BEING THE... GRAND MARSHALL.
WE ALL HAVE OUR WAYS OF CELEBRATING.
SOME PEOPLE TAKE IT TO THE STREETS...
OTHER PEOPLE TAKE IT TO THE SHEETS.
WHA...
[ Chuckling ]
SO, LOVE-MUFFINS?
YOU READY FOR THE HIGH HOMO-HOLIDAYS?
YES. Emmett: YES. ABSOLUTELY.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, MADAM P-FLAG PRESIDENT?
WE HAVE THE BIGGEST GROUP YET.
CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU. NOW IF ONLY YOUR...
WIDDLE PWIDE AND JOY WOULD MARCH WIF YOU.
ORDER SOME PANCAKES AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Debbie: NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME PROUDER.
BUT I'M NOT A MANIPULATIVE...
GUILT-SLINGING KIND OF MOTHER.
MICHAEL CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS.
[ Voice breaking ] SO WHAT'LL YOU HAVE...
LITTLE ASSHOLE?
[ Sighing ]
I'LL HAVE THE MARCH AND THE PARADE. HOLD THE TEARS.
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I SAID I'LL MARCH, OKAY?
[ Shriek of joy ]
PFF! Emmett: OH, GEEZ!
Debbie: HEY, D'YOU HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY?
MY... MY KID'S GONNA MARCH WITH ME IN THE PARADE!
Patrons: [ Clapping/cheering ]
Ted: OH, HAPPY DAY.
GRAPE?
AHH!
[ Moans of pleasure ]
MMM, MY OTHER CLIENTS AREN'T NEARLY AS COOPERATIVE.
THEY'D BETTER NOT BE.
[ Giggles ]
AH... HOW MUCH TIME HAVE WE GOT? MMM.
JUST ENOUGH...
FOR...
THIS.
Both: [ Sighing ]
WE HAVE TO SIGN ALL THIS?
WELL, WE HAVE DURABLE POWERS OF ATTORNEY,
AND LIVING WILL,
JOINT TENANCY AGREEMENT,
RECIPROCAL GUARDIANSHIP FOR GUS...
AFTER THIS, SIGNING A MARRIAGE LICENCE WOULD BE A BREEZE.
THAT IS WHAT YOU WANTED, ISN'T IT?
MMM... DAMN RIGHT.
YOU AND ME.
SIGNED...
SEALED...
AND DELIVERED. HMM!
Lindsay & Melanie: [ Moans of pleasure ]
[ Clearing of throat ] SORRY.
IS... GUS TAKING HIS NAP?
UH, NO. BUT I COULD SURE USE ONE.
AH, YOU HAVE A VISITOR.
MY 2:00 O'CLOCK? I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT HERE.
YEAH, WELL YOU TRY TELLING THAT... OUT OF THE WAY,
CHICKEN LEGS.
WHERE IS THAT SEXY BEAST?
Melanie & woman: [ Yells of joy ]
[ Chuckling/shrieking ]
DIDN'T I TELL YOU SHE'D PRAC- TICALLY SHIT?
YOU CERTAINLY DID.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THAT'S WHAT EVERY- BODY SAYS WHEN YOU'RE IN PITTSBURGH!
Melanie: YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
WHY TAMPER WITH PERFECTION, BABY?
[ Chuckling ]
OH... THIS IS LINDSAY. OH!
I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE.
AND THIS MUST BE LEDA.
YEAH.
OOH!
MMM! MMM!
[ Chuckling ]
PERFORMANCE OF OUR NEW POOLSIDE COOLERS...
ISN'T WHAT WE'D HOPED FOR.
UNLESS YOU HOPED FOR LESS THAN 1% OF THE MARKET.
WELL, WE NEED TO... CHANGE OUR IMAGE.
WHEN WOMEN THINK POOLSIDE, THEY SHOULD THINK,
"COOL",
"HIP",
"TRENDY".
THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN...
ADD SOME SPUNK TO OUR CAMPAIGN.
WELL, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR SPUNK,
MR. POOLE,
YOU'VE DEFINITELY COME TO THE RIGHT MAN.
THERE'LL ALSO BE A $50,000 BONUS
IS WE CAN DOUBLE OUR MARKET SHARE.
SO, UH,
GIVE ME A PROPOSAL, AND...
I'LL CONSIDER IT.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONSIDER THIS, MR. POOLE;
YOUR STOCK TOOK A NOSE-DIVE LAST QUARTER
AND YOU HAVE A SHAREHOLDERS MEETING IN THREE DAYS.
UNLESS YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING FAST,
YOUR LITTLE FAMILY BUSINESS WILL BOUGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOU
AT 10 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR.
YOU'RE VERY BLUNT, MR. KINNEY.
AND...
YOU'RE OUT OF TIME, MR. POOLE. IF YOU WANT ME,
HIRE ME.
[ Opening of door ]
THAT WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT.
GLITTER AND SHINE.
TOO BAD YOU'RE WASTING IT ON SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF CLAYTON POOLE.
THE GUY WHO... HATES GAYS.
RIGHT. HE'S ALWAYS DONATING HIS MONEY TO WORTHY CAUSES,
LIKE "CASTRATE HOMOSEXUALS NOW,"
"LAUNCH LESBIANS INTO SPACE,"
"STOP AIDS WITH GUNS".
WELL NOW, HE CAN DONATE SOME OF HIS MONEY TO ME.
50 GRAND. OHH.
SO, WHAT'S THE BIG CONCEPT?
FUCK IF I KNOW.
THERE WE WERE ON OUR MOTORCYCLES...
JUST SOUTH OF BIG SUR ON THE COAST HIGHWAY...
WHEN THIS COP PULLED US OVER.
WELL, FOR WHAT?
SPEEDING. TOPLESS.
HA-HA-HA-HOO!
DID HE GIVE YOU A TICKET?
Melanie: WELL, HE TRIED TO GIVE US MORE THAN THAT.
HE SAID THE SIGHT OF US
WAS GOING TO CAUSE SOMEONE TO DRIVE OFF A CLIFF,
THAT HE WAS GOING TO ARREST US.
THEN YOU STARTED FLIRTING WITH HIM.
Leda: NO, NO, MY DEAR, IT WAS YOU.
LONG STORY SHORT, WE'RE BEHIND A ROCK,
HE'S GOT HIS PANTS DOWN...
AND THIS LITTLE VIXEN STEALS HIS BOOTS
AND WE TEAR THE FUCK OUT OF THERE.
[ Laughing ]
WANT SOME MORE WINE?
YEAH, YEAH.
SO HOW LONG ARE YOU IN TOWN FOR?
TILL THEY KICK ME OUT,
OR MY PHOTO EXHIBIT OPENS. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.
LINDSAY'S AN ARTIST TOO, YOU KNOW.
ART TEACHER.
AND HERE I WAS THINKING WE HAD NOTHING IN COMMON.
OH, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I THINK IT'S GROOVY, TWO CHICKS RAISING A KID.
BUT TO GO FROM ZOOMING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
TO ZERO IN THE SLOW LANE...
I MEAN WHAT'S NEXT, YOU GONNA GET MARRIED?
ACTUALLY, WE ARE.
NO SHIT.
GIRL, YOU REALLY HAVE GONE RESPECTABLE.
SO, BIG WEEKEND COMING UP, HUH?
HUH? OH... PRIDE. YEAH.
YOU GOING? NOT ONLY AM I GOING,
I'M MARCHING WITH MY MOTHER'S P-FLAG GROUP.
YOU DON'T SOUND VERY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
WELL TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LITTLE WORRIED
THAT SOMEBODY FROM WORK MIGHT SEE ME.
IT'S PRETTY STUPID, HUH?
Tracy: NOT REALLY.
SINCE A GROUP OF US ARE GOING TO BE THERE.
WHAT?
STOP!
HOLY SHIT!
IT'S GONNA COST YOU, NOVOTNY.
HO-HO.
THAT'S NOTHIN'. BARELY A SCRATCH.
YOU MUST HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS ON YOUR MIND.
YOU TWO, UH, GOT SOMETHING GOIN' THIS WEEKEND?
NOT REALLY. WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US
TO THE PANSY PARADE?
IT'S NOT MY SCENE.
LIKE IT'S OURS?
WE'D FIGURED WE'D CHECK OUT THE SIGHTS.
YOU MEAN, CHECK OUT THE FREAKS.
GOTTA ADMIT, IT'S THE BEST PARTY IN TOWN.
DON'T TELL ME YOU NEVER BEEN,. MIKE.
ACTUALLY, I NEVER HAVE.
OH, NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL PURE SEX.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, COVERING IT UP?
I LET THE INSURANCE EXPIRE A WHILE AGO, AND...
JUST FORGOT ALL ABOUT IT.
[ Clearing of throat ]
I GOT AN IDEA.
ANOTHER TRIP TO BIG SUR?
UH-HUH.
DYKES ON BIKES. YOU AND ME,
THE PARADE, JUST LIKE OLD TIMES.
I, UH...
I COULDN'T.
[ Giggling ]
YEAH, YOU COULD.
YOU GET A QUICKIE PERMIT,
POLISH UP THE OLD BITCH AND WE'RE THERE.
WELL...
[ Clearing of throat ]
I MEAN, I... I CAN'T.
WE'RE MARCHING WITH THE MARRIAGE INITIATIVE.
YOU KNOW, FOR SAME-SEX MARRIAGES.
RIGHT.
I UNDERSTAND. YOU GOTTA DO YOUR THING. STILL...
[ Inhaling ]
IT IS A SHAME TO KEEP SUCH A BEAUTY
OUT OF COMMISSION AND UNDER WRAPS.
[ Rolling of thunder ]
?? FEEL SO GOOD ??
[ ?????? ]
?? FEEL SO GOOD ??
?? FEEL SO GOOD, SO GOOD SO GOOD, SO GOOD... ??
HAPPY PRIDE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
Brian: OKAY, WHICH ONE
YOU WANT TO TRY FIRST?
PAPAYA-SAUVIGNON,
KIWI-CHARDONNAY...
OR MELON-MERLOT?
IT'S SO TASTY, YOU'LL WANT TO TRY ALL THREE.
AH! SO WRETCHED, YOU WANT TO PUKE.
NOT EVEN A FUCKING PISS-QUEEN WOULD WANT TO SWALLOW THIS SHIT.
MMM!
FRUITY, REFRESHING...
LIKE A GENTLE BREEZE ON A SUMMER DAY.
OKAY, I TAKE IT BACK.
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET PEOPLE TO DRINK IT?
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.
[ ?????? ]
?? FEEL SO GOOD ??
HAPPY PRIDE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
FUCK, I HATE THIS.
TRY A PAPAYA- SAUVIGNON.
EWW.
UHH.
ANY OTHER NIGHT,
I'D GO HOME, LOG ON TO CUMQUICK.COM
AND GET IT OVER WITH. BUT NO, IT'S PRIDE.
YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO EXPERIENCE
SOME OF THIS SEXUAL FREEDOM
WE SUPPOSEDLY FOUGHT SO HARD FOR.
THERE'S SOMETHING HARD FOR YA.
Ted: YEAH, RIGHT.
HE'S CHECKING YOU OUT.
WHY WOULD HE BE CHECKING...
ME?
?? I BELIEVE ??
?? IN YOU AND ME ??
?? WHEN I THINK OF YOU... ??
TEDDY? [ Choking ] HOLY SHIT!
[ Cough ] TEDDY...
Ted: [ Coughing/ choking ]
[ Cough/spit ]
WELL THAT'S ONE WAY TO LEAVE A LASTING IMPRESSION.
Ted: [ Coughing ] WORD OF ADVICE:
NEXT TIME YOU GOT NUTS IN YOUR MOUTH,
SUCK, DON'T CHEW.
HAPPY PRIDE, HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, YOU KNOW...
ENJOYING THE FLOW OF AIR THROUGH MY OESOPHAGUS.
SO, YOU WANT TO GO?
[ ?????? ]
REALLY?
AH... S-SURE. AH...
OKAY! UH, WE... GOTTA GO!
Ted: WE'RE GOING!
NOW SEE YA!
WAY TO GO, MR. PEANUT.
WOW. PRIDEIS A MAGICAL TIME.
WANNA DANCE? SURE.
[ ?????? ]
AHHH-AH!
[ ?????? ]
UNCLE VIC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MICHAEL!
EVEN OLDER GAY MEN CAN CELEBRATE PRIDE. RIGHT?
RIGHT.
JUST DON'T OVERDO.
IT'S GODIVA.
[ ?????? ]
WHEN?
A LITTLE WHILE AGO.
I WAS VISITING A FRIEND OVER AT THE HOSPICE.
I... I-I WAS JUST THERE, I-I...
TOOK HER HER DRESS.
SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS VERY QUICKLY.
AND THAT CAN BE A BLESSING.
[ ?????? ]
Both: [ Groans/cries ]
YES. YEAH.
AHH!
[ Groan ]
YES!
[ Panting ]
OH... GOD!
THAT WAS AMAZING.
WASN'T THAT AMAZING?
YEAH. AMAZING.
AHH.
AHHH. [ Panting ]
[ Chuckling ]
OHH... OH.
[ Panting ]
YOU...
YOU HUNGRY?
YOU WANT SOME CHIPS OR ANYTHING?
NO, THANKS. SO, UH...
ARE YOU GOING TO THE PARADE ON SUNDAY?
YEAH, I'LL BE THERE.
MAYBE WE CAN GO TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D LIKE.
HERE, UH...
AHHH.
HERE. UH...
THIS IS...
THIS IS ME.
I'M TED.
GREAT.
SEE YA.
[ Sighing ]
OOHHH.
[ Opening/ closing of door ]
[ ?????? ]
YEAH.
[ ?????? ]
YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.
[ ?????? ]
THAT'S NICE.
[ ?????? ]
?? OH, OH, OH, LET'S GO ??
[ ?????? ]
[ Loud kiss ] MICHELANGELO.
Justin: HMM. I'M GETTING THERE.
BRIAN'S BEEN HELPING ME WITH MY EXERCISES.
Michael: YEAH, I BET.
"SQUEEZE TIGHTER, PULL HARDER."
HEY!
[ Mocking chuckle ]
BIG DAY TOMORROW.
I CAN'T WAIT.
I REMEMBER MY FIRST MARCH,
AFTER THE STONEWALL RIOTS.
IN THE STONE AGE.
THERE WERE NO MORE THAN 25 OF US THAT FIRST YEAR.
THAT'S ALL?
YOU THINKING COMING OUT'S TOUGH NOW,
YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN AROUND BACK THEN.
Jennifer: HEY, GUYS!
GET A LOAD OF THIS!
All: [ Cheers/clapping ]
GREAT, HUH?
AND CHECK THIS OUT!
TA-DAA!
I HAD IT MADE IN HONOUR
OF OUR FIRST TIME WALKING TOGETHER.
ISN'T IT ADORABLE?
SWEAR TO ME THAT YOU DIDN'T GET ONE.
Michael: HEY, MA, UH, YOU WANT A DOUGHNUT?
YOU'RE NOT!
WHAT, I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO.
I KNOW, I'M YOUR MOTHER.
IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO. THEN WHY?
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE THIS TIME?
I-I JUST...
I JUST CAN'T.
IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO... WAVE BANNERS AND...
AND MARCH AROUND. YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
HELL, YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY!
WELL, I'M THE NEXT BEST THING.
AND I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT!
YOU BETTER BE MARCHIN'. YEAH.
OKAY, LET'S CONTINUE WITH OUR POSTERS.
Debbie: THIS IS A NICE ONE, HUH?
Jennifer: IT IS.
SMART? YES.
SEXY? YES!
PIERCED PUSSY?
HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW? HUH.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE LEGENDARY LEDA
LIVES UP TO HER LEGEND. BETTER.
COMPARED TO HER, I'M JUST SOME BLAND...
FLABBYHAUSFRAU.
YOU POPPED OUT A KID.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU'RE NOT AS...
TIGHT AS YOU ONCE WERE. FUCK YOU!
DON'T WORRY. SOME WOMEN ATTRACTED TO STRETCH MARKS.
OH-HO-HO-HO-HO! I DO NOT HAVE STRETCH MARKS!
[ Grunts of protest ] [ Shouts ]
SAY IT! [ Giggling ]
[ Chuckling ]
I DO NOT HAVE STRETCH MARKS! OW!
[ Hysterical laughter ]
THANKS.
OH. DON'T FORGET THESE.
[ Sliding of door ]
PAYING FOR IT NOW?
I SUPPOSE OLDER GENTLEMEN HAVE TO DO THAT.
HUH. I KNOW THIS MAY BE HARDER TO SWALLOW
THAN HIS 10-INCH DICK, BUT... OOH.
"POOLSIDE"
HAS JUST BECOME "POOL BOY".
OH, I HATE THAT SHIT.
EVERYBODY DOES.
BUT ONCE THE FAGS SEE THIS LABEL,
THEY'LL WANT TO LAP HIM UP.
POOLE BEVERAGES?
DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT GUY IS?
YEAH.
SO? SO?
HE HATES US.
WHAT HE DOES WITH HIS MONEY IS HIS BUSINESS.
EXCEPT WHEN IT HURTS US, THEN IT'S OUR BUSINESS.
THATIS MY BUSINESS.
SHE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT PRIDE.
SHE SAID, "HONEY, IF I HAVE TO WHEEL MYSELF OUT THERE
ON A BOARD LIKE 'PORGY AND BESS',
I'M GOIN'."
SHE WANTED HER HAIR TO BE THE BIGGEST;
HER GOWN,
TO BE THE GLITTERIEST...
JUST, UH...
JUST SO EVERYONE WOULD...
WOULD KNOW THAT NOTHING,
NOT EVEN AIDS...
COULD KEEP HER DOWN.
NOT GOING TO BE THE SAME WITHOUT HER.
UNLESS...
UNLESS?
UNLESS YOU WEAR IT.
[ Chuckling ]
YEAH.
MMM.
HONEY, I COULDN'T FILL HER BRA.
MUCH LESS HER SHOES.
WOULD YOU MIND IF I STAYED WITH HER
A LITTLE WHILE?
[ Opening/ closing of door ]
Patient: AH, THAT'S GOOD.
Attendant: DON'T GO TOO FAST.
JUSTIN!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HAVING A BLAST. TIME OF MY LIFE.
MY 500 HOURS OF COMMU- NITY SERVICE. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?
WHAT ABOUT YOU? GOT AIDS?
NO.
YOU WILL.
SOONER OR LATER... ALL YOU FAGS END UP HERE.
OKAY. LET'S GIVE THIS BITCH A WHIRL!
[ Kick-starting of engine ]
WHOO! [ Coughing ]
[ Chuckle ]
IT WORKS!
HOP ON!
WHAT?
GRAB A HELMET, COME WITH ME.
SOME OTHER TIME.
HOW ABOUT TOMORROW?
I THOUGHT WE'RE MARCHING WITH THE MARRIAGE INITIATIVE.
IT'S A PARADE. DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING CORRECT?
CAN'T WE HAVE A LITTLE FUN FOR A CHANGE?
HUH, WITH LEDA?
YOU GOTTA ADMIT, LEDA'S FUN.
AND SHE'S ALSO YOUR EX, AND I'M YOUR PARTNER.
YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT US.
AND WHEN DON'T I? DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE MEL AND LINZ?
WEAREMEL AND LINZ.
AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT QUITE A BIT.
I THOUGHT OH, FOR YOU DID TOO. CHRISSAKES.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TRY AND... MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY?
GO ON. GO RIDE YOUR BITCH WITH THE GIRLS.
[ ?????? ]
HUH. WELL IT LOOKS
LIKE MY MARKETING SAMPLE'S A BIG SUCCESS.
[ Cough ] YEAH, AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO
WAS PUT A GUY IN A SWIMSUIT ON THE LABEL.
DON'T THESE PEOPLE HAVE ANY TASTE?
Brian: AFTER WHERE THEIR TONGUES HAVE BEEN?
NEVER FEAR. THEY ALSO HAVE NO MEMORY OF BRAND LOYALTY.
COUPLE OF MONTHS,
POOL BOY WILL BE FOR- GOTTEN LIKE A BAD FUCK.
HMMM. BUT BY THEN,
I'LL HAVE PAID OFF MY LOFT.
SPEAKING OF FUCKS...
THERE'S TROY.
HOW WAS HE?
MASSIVE.
I'M STILL BOW-LEGGED.
[ Chuckle ]
WHY, THEODORE SCHMIDT,
YOU SEX PIG, YOU.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
OH, I HAD IT IN ME ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN?
AH, WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
Brian: THEN GO OVER THERE.
TAKE HIM A POOL BOY.
I WANT TO DATE HIM, NOT POISON HIM.
LOOK AT THEM. PARTYING.
DON'T THEY KNOW GODIVA'S DEAD?
WHY SHOULD THESE PUPS GIVE A SHIT
ABOUT SOME OLD QUEEN WHO DIED OF AIDS?
I'M ALLOWED TO SAY THAT.
I'M AN OLD QUEEN WHO HAS AIDS.
BUT DOESN'T IT UPSET YOU?
I-I MEAN... THAT IT COULD BE ME NEXT?
I THINK OF THAT.
I THINK OF IT EVERY DAY.
NOW COME HAVE A COCKTAIL. AND FOR ONCE...
I DON'T MEAN A HANDFUL OF PILLS.
Man: TAKE A LOOK AT THE BLONDIE SWEET CHEEKS OVER THERE...
HEY.
HUH?
TED.
TED. RIGHT, RIGHT. OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. TED.
THAT WAS SO AMAZING LAST NIGHT.
SO, AH...
YOU STILL UP FOR GOING TO THE PARADE TOMORROW?
HUH?
THE PARADE.
YOU KNOW, W-WE TALKED ABOUT IT.
YEAH, I WAS THINKING, UH,
MAYBE WE COULD DO A CHAMPAGNE BRUNCH... LOOK, BUDDY,
UM, I WAS JUST DOING MY GOOD DEED FOR THE YEAR.
GOOD DEED? WHAT... YES, IT'S...
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A TRADITION. FOR PRIDE,
I GO OUT, FIND SOME GUY... LIKE YOU,
AND I GIVE HIM A BREAK. I GIVE HIM...
HUH, I GIVE HIM ME.
THE FUCK OF HIS LIFE.
SOMETHING HE CAN REMEMBER. IT'S LIKE A SOUVENIR.
IT'S MY WAY OF... GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.
I SEE.
HEY, THIS YEAR YOU'RE THE LUCKY RECIPIENT.
HAPPY PRIDE.
LET'S GO, GUYS.
Man: SEE YA.
Various: [ Chuckling ]
[ ?????? ]
SO, DID YOU SEE 'EM?
HUH, DID YA... DID YOU SEE THE WAY THEY LAPPED THIS SHIT UP?
SHHH. DON'T WAKE JUSTIN.
THE BEST PART... THE BEST PART
IS THAT THE OLD GEEZER WHO MAKES THIS SHIT HATES FAGS.
IS THAT A SCREAM OR WHAT?
D-DEFINITELY OR WHAT. AS IN, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HELPING A CREEP LIKE THAT?"
WELL, FOR THE PURE...
POETIC IRONY.
COOL, HUH?
OR SHOULD I SAY...
COOLER?
Justin: I SAW HIM.
CHRIS HOBBS.
ANOTHER DREAM?
NO, HE WAS AT THE HOSPICE.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS HE DOING THERE?
IT'S WHERE THEY ASSIGNED HIM HIS COMMUNITY SERVICE.
IS THAT SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE?
DID HE DO ANYTHING?
HE SAID THAT HE HOPES I GET AIDS AND DIE.
PIECE OF SHIT!
FORGET IT.
GET SOME SLEEP.
YOU HAVE A BIG DAY TOMORROW. I'M NOT GOING.
AND MISS YOUR FIRST PRIDE?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE PROUD OF?
THAT I GOT BASHED AND DIDN'T DIE?
IF HE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, DON'T MAKE HIM.
STAY OUT OF IT.
SURE.
ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE THE PURE, POETIC IRONY
OF SEEING YOU, OF ALL PEOPLE,
TRY TO ENCOURAGE HIM TO GO TO PRIDE WHEN...
THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE PROUD OF?
YEAH, AND WHAT ARE YOU PROUD OF?
THAT YOU'RE TOO PISS-IN-YOUR-PANTS AFRAID TO MARCH
WITH YOUR OWN GODDAMN MOTHER?
FUCK YOU!
[ Sliding/ slamming of door ]
LOOK AT YOU! MY RAINBOW BABY!
YOU READY TO MARCH IN THE PARADE
AND SEE ALL THE PEOPLE?
NICE DAY FOR A PARADE.
UH-HUH.
HEY, THERE, CUTIE. UH...
MELANIE'S OUT DOING A...
A PRACTICE RUN.
AH, COME ON.
COME ON, SWEETIE. IT'S TIME FOR YOUR RIDE.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY
IF YOUR PLANS GOT FUCKED UP, BUT...
I DIDN'T FORCE HER.
WELL, YOU SURE DIDN'T STOP HER.
THAT BIKE WAS PRACTICALLY FORGOTTEN
UNTIL YOU HAD TO REMIND HER.
SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT IT WAS IN HER THOUGHTS
BEFORE I BLEW INTO TOWN.
AND WHY WOULD SHE BE THINKING ABOUT SOME OLD MOTORCYCLE?
YOU TELL ME.
BECAUSE PERHAPS ZOOMING AROUND ON A MOTORCYCLE
BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF CLEANING UP BABY PUKE AND NURSING EARACHES.
[ Chuckle ] OF COURSE IT DOES.
BUT THAT'S NOT WHY YOU'RE TOGETHER,
FOR A FEW CHEAP THRILLS.
[ Annoyed sigh ] IT'S JUST BEEN A WHILE
SINCE I'VE SEEN THE LIGHT IN HER EYES, AND...
HEAR HER SOUND AS EXCITED AS SHE DID,
RELIVING THE GLORY DAYS WITH YOU.
SHE JUST NEEDS TO FEEL ALL THAT HORSEPOWER
ROARIN' BETWEEN HER LEGS ONE MORE TIME.
THEN IT'S BACK TO THE GARAGE FOR ANOTHER SIX YEARS.
HUH.
[ Chuckling ]
YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
Reporter: [ On TV ] THIS IS ALAN APPEL, LIVE ON LIBERTY AVENUE.
AND THE PARADE IS JUST GAINING MOMENTUM NOW, FOLKS.
THE REVELLERS ARE COLLECTING HERE FROM...
C, O, C, K, A, T, W, O.
COCKATWO.
ISN'T COCKATOO SPELLED WITH A T-O-O
INSTEAD OF A T-W-O?
NOT IF YOU'RE HAVING MORE THAN ONE.
Reporter: ...QUITE ASTONIS- HING, THERE, UH...
FANTASTIC FLOATS... C-CAN WE TURN THIS OFF, PLEASE?
OF ALL DAYS NOT TO HAVE "LUCY" RERUNS.
DON'T WATCH.
FINE. I WON'T.
GOD, LOOK AT HIM.
OR HIM. OHH.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO DOWN THERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE. YOU KNOW,
IT MIGHT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. HUH...
WOULDN'T BE THE SAME WITHOUT GODIVA.
BUT IF, UM... IF YOU GUYS WANT TO GO, GO. GO AHEAD.
Michael: NOT ME.
YOU REALLY SHOULD GO, MICHAEL.
MAKE YOUR MOTHER HAPPY.
HOW CAN I?
GOD, JUST BE BRAVE.
LIKE GODIVA WAS.
GODIVA WAS A DRAG QUEEN. AND,
AS SHE USED TO SAY,
"IT TAKES MORE COURAGE TO WEAR A DRESS FOR AN HOUR
THAN IT DOES TO WEAR A SUIT FOR A LIFETIME."
WELL, I GUESS I'M NOT AS BRAVE AS SHE WAS.
I GUESS NOT.
THERE, UM...
THERE'S ONE WAY YOU COULD GO TO THE PARADE
AND NO ONE WOULD KNOW.
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
"WE CAN REBUILD HIM,
WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY."
GET AWAY FROM ME. ALL I HAVE TO DO
IS CINCH IT A LITTLE AT THE WAIST.
NOOOO!
[ ?????? ]
...THAT'S A BABE!
OH YEAH, TOTALLY!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
MR. POOLE.
[ Chuckling ]
GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.
WHAT IS THIS PLACE? FROM THE CROWD,
I SUSPECT IT'S A HOMOSEXUAL DRINKING ESTABLISHMENT.
A GAY BAR?
[ ?????? ]
WH... WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO MEET YOU HERE?
I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE HOTTEST NEW DRINK ON THE MARKET.
"POOL BOY".
I CHANGED THE NAME AND I GAVE IT A NEW LOOK.
QUITE ATTRACTIVE.
IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF.
AND, THEY CAN'T SELL 'EM FAST ENOUGH.
OH TH... THIS IS YOUR IDEA?
YEAH, IT'S GOING TO SAVE YOUR ASS.
I DON'T WANT MY ASS SAVED.
Waiter: TWO MORE POOL BOYS.
NOT BY THESE PEOPLE.
I THINK YOU DO.
IN FACT, YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN MARKETING TO THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.
FAGS?
THEIR MONEY'S AS GREEN AS THE NEXT.
WELL, THEY CAN KEEP THEIR MONEY.
TELL THAT TO YOUR SHARE- HOLDERS MONDAY,
THAT YOU TURNED YOUR BACK ON A... CONSUMER MARKET
WITH AN ANNUAL DISPOS- ABLE INCOME OF HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
I CAN DELIVER THEM TO YOU, BUT...
FIRST, I THINK YOU SHOULD SHOW YOUR COMMUNITY SUPPORT
BY MAKING A NICE, BIG CONTRIBUTION TO, SAY...
THE GAY MARRIAGE INITIATIVE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Party ?????? ]
[ Blasting of whistles ]
[ Cheering ]
[ ?????? ]
I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO COME HERE.
WELL, YOU'RE HERE.
AND, YOU'RE QUEER. SO...
ENJOY IT.
IT'S JUST A BIG FREAK SHOW.
OH, DID YOU THINK YOU WERE GOING TO FIND PRIDE AT THE PARADE?
SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING HERE?
WE'RE JUST MAKING SURE CHRIS HOBBS DOESN'T WIN.
NOW YOU SHOULD GO MARCH WITH YOUR MOMMY.
Brian: THEODORE SCHMIDT.
OHHH. FANCY RUNNING INTO YOU HERE.
AND ALL ALONE.
WHERE'S YOUR HOT NEW BOYFRIEND?
OH HE, UH, COULDN'T MAKE IT.
OH, I THOUGHT MAYBE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE SEEN
WITH THIS YEAR'S GAY PRIDE PITY FUCK.
YOU BASTARD. HOW DID YOU KNOW?
I KNOW TROY. THANKS FOR WARNING ME.
YOU ACT LIKE A PUSSY, GET TREATED LIKE A PUSSY.
I'M NOT A PUSSY!
"HAPPY PRIDE, HOW'S IT GOING?"
ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO MY BIT FOR PRIDE.
MY WAY OF... GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY.
NEXT TIME, TRY THIS:
"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING CLOTHES OFF
AND MAKE YOU SIT ON MY NINE-INCH DICK."
BUT I DON'T HAVE A NINE-INCH DICK.
WELL, IF YOU'RE GOOD, HE WON'T CARE.
TRY IT. I DARE YA.
[ Muttering ] ...NINE-INCH DICK...
...MAKE YOU...
...RIP OFF...
...RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES...
HELLO, SWEETHEART.
Lindsay: DID YOU HEAR THAT, GUS?
DADDY CALLED YOU SWEETHEART.
DO YOU MIND TAKING HIM FOR ME?
Gus: [ Crying/ wailing ]
WHOA, MAMA.
MAMA NEEDS A FEW HOURS OFF... I SEE.
TO BE WITH HER MAMA.
THERE SHE IS.
[ Crying ]
WHOA, BABY.
MIND IF WE RIDE TOGETHER?
HONEY, I LOVE IT WHEN WE RIDE TOGETHER.
Melanie: WHERE'S GUS?
OVER THERE.
[ Crying ] YOU OWE ME FOR THIS!
OKAY,
REV 'EM UP. WHOO!
[ Wailing ]
THAT'S HIS KID.
CUTE, ISN'T HE?
HAPPY PRIDE!
[ ?????? ]
I HAD NO IDEA THERE WERE SO MANY.
QUEERS?
PEOPLE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU, JUSTIN.
I'M PROUD OF YOU TOO, MOM.
Crowd: [ Clapping/whistling ]
HONEY, JUST SO YOU KNOW, THIS IS P-FLAG.
BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO WALK WITH US IF...
MICHAEL!
SHH! IS THAT YOU IN THERE?
SHUT UP AND KEEP MARCHING, MA. [ Squeal ]
OHH! LOOKS LIKE GODIVA'S HERE AFTER ALL.
YOU BET SHE IS.
YOU GO, GIRL! Vic: YOO-HOO-HOO!
WHOO!
OH, MICHAEL!
YOU LOOK FUCKING GORGEOUS, DO YOU KNOW THAT?
DON'T SMUDGE MY MAKEUP!
SORRY. [ Giggling ]
OH, MICHAEL, I LOVE YOU!
WHAT...
Partyers: CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA-CHA, CHA!
HI, BOYS.
OOH.
SO, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS A REAL MAN?
WE ALL ARE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU TELL ME.
Harv & Stan: [ Shrieks of surprise ]
SEE YOU, LOVERBOY.
[ Mocking laughter ]
[ Cheering of crowd ]
[ ?????? ]
I'LL RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES
AND MAKE YOU SIT ON MY NINE-INCH DICK.
I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES
AND MAKE YOU SIT ON MY NINE- INCH DICK.
WHAT? I'M GOING TO...
IT'S WHAT BRIAN TOLD ME TO SAY.
[ Scoffing ] [ Chuckle ]
THAT'LL GET YOU INTO TROUBLE FOR SURE.
I HOPE SO.
I'M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES...
EXCUSE ME?
UH, AH...
AH... N-NOTHING.
HAPPY PRIDE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING.
UH, CAN I, UH... CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
All: HAPPY PRIDE!
I'LL BE GLAD WHEN PRIDE'S OVER
SO WE CAN ALL GO BACK TO BEING ASHAMED.
OH, YOU'RE JUST GRUMPY
'CAUSE YOU HAD TO LOOK AFTER GUS ALL DAY
AND NO ONE HIT ON YOU.
PLENTY OF PEOPLE HIT ON ME.
UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ALL HAPPENED TO BE LESBIANS WANTING MY SPERM.
AH, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE. NOT TOO LATE.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I'M LEAVING YOU TO YOUR WICKED WAYS.
GO FIND A STUD, ASK HIM TO DANCE.
[ ?????? ]
[ Cheers of revellers ]
[ ?????? ]
HEY, STUD.
YOU WANNA DANCE?
[ Scoffing ] SHUT UP.
I PROMISE YOU WON'T FORGET THIS ONE.
[ ?????? ]
YOU CARE TO DANCE, SUGAR?
I'D LOVE TO.
[ ?????? ]
Man: HEY, I HAVE ALL THE ALBUMS.
[ Chuckling ] I LOVE THAT.
Ted: I DO AS WELL.
[ ?????? ]
COME ON, MIKEY.
[ Dance ?????? ]
[ ?????? ]
CLOSED CAPTIONING BYCOMPREHENSIVE DISTRIBUTORS